I have one goal tonight.
It’s not to raise money for charity, or to find the love of my life….. It’s to get drunk to the point where I can’t see.
I won’t go into exactly why, but I will say this.
Despite now being married to one of the Rothschilds, my ex-wife ‘Lemon’ has decided that yes, she does want the fucking Dyson back after all.
Anyway, back to the alcohol.
99 times out of 100 I like to take it easy and still be able to get my keys in the lock when I get home. One in 100 times I’m quite happy to fall asleep on the doorstep with my head resting on the letter box.
I ended up that way last weekend, purely by accident. Here’s how it happened.
I was meant to meet some friends for lunch. After a glass of wine or two we decided to have ‘a couple more’ in our favourite pub.
This was at 3 PM.
At 9:30 PM I remember trying to focus on my phone in a kebab shop. I wanted it to tell me what I should say to the man asking for my order.
It was at that point that I realised I was too drunk to stand up. My feigning of a bad back and leaning against the counter was an elegant and discrete solution to the problem.
I don’t remember getting home that night, but I do remember that whatever I ordered was the best thing I’d eaten…….ever!
I briefly cursed myself the next morning when I realised that the next 12 hours were going to be a bed ridden write off, then I thought to myself…..
“Fuck it. Life is for living, even if you can’t remember having done so.”