Tales of the City

Hi Fuckers, look who’s back!

I’ve restarted this dating bullshit after a six-month break. I’ve got so much to tell you that I’m going to have to divide it into chunks, like tofu, or vomit.

The unimpressible fitbag ‘Reza’ was my biggest disappointment of last year. He told me on date three that my story about sleep walking and then going through my mother in law’s wardrobes in the middle of the night was “too heavy” and that it had somehow spoilt the night.

I agonised over that for a bit when things went tits up with him. I shouldn’t have, that story is GOLD, he needs to chill out.

Anyway, the reason I bring him up is because I wonder what he would have made of a tale I was told on a first date this week. I met this guy straight from work in a Tiki lounge, fun place, great music, I was chair dancing………until

“As we were hit, Sandra was killed instantly”.

Where can you go from there apart from this ….

“Sorry to hear that…………….. so do you have any pets?”

Talking of wildly inappropriate things to say to someone who you have just met, when I met up with a Doctor in Clapham for a second date his first words were “I feel great, I’m wearing this amazing supportive body stocking”

I did not want to find out what lurked beneath that.

Thankfully a grand reveal was not even a remote possibility. He turned out to be the most sanctimonious shit I have ever met. He told me I had “failed humanity” by not giving an angry pissed bloke some money, and he wished I could see the world like he did.

Whatever dickhead, I hope your halo is elasticated like your body stocking, it will stop your head from getting any bigger.
Alright, that’s it for now. I’ll be back soon, there’s lots more where this came from. I’m saving the really juicy good stuff for another time.
Oh the juicy stuff, I’m grinning just thinking about it.
Harrison Chase, back in the game, on a train…..over and out.